seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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