i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
