he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
