can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
do nipples grow back?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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