i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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