the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
