So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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