I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
