wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
