I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Randomize
