Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
