I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i dont even know how to be here
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
