Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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