Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
thus making me awesome and them whores
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
