I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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