This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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