I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
