I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
