a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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