fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
