I'm really into asian looking animals
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
My life is pants optional.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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