Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
