dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
