Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
