I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
