One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
