While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
