someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
