Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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