Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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