Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
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