Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
