She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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