my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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