too bad you live with your parents still
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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