if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
