guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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