i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize