When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
