I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
