worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just want nice things and good sex
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
