all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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