you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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