It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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