just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
