is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
