I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
