I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
