If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
