just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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