I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
