just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
