I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
