Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Farmville is her only friend.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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