Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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