just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
