I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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