I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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