mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
3pm strippers are depressing
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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